Putting The Kibosh on Teenage Disrespect

We have all seen teens who are so disrespectful to their parents it makes our jaws drop. Maybe you’ve been one of those parents.

Maybe your teenager has learned that he can verbally harass or physically intimidate you into relinquishing the car keys, abandoning his curfew, or looking the other way when his friends sneak alcohol into the house. Or maybe he has simply worn you out, so that when he says something rude you want only to be rid of the brewing argument, and you let it go.

You are anything but alone with your predicament. The past ten years or so has seen teenagers and even children become increasingly comfortable saying outrageous things to their parents—remarks that are rude, dismissive, demeaning. On the surface it would appear as if they don’t care that they are hurting the people who most love and care for them, and for some kids that’s their intent. For a great many others, though, they feel stuck in their relationship with their parents; they wish it were better or different but haven’t a clue how to go about saying that, let alone changing it.

The good news is that you can do a lot to change your teenager’s behavior, as well as the relationship, by how you respond to their provocative words or actions. By taking the time to think ahead about how you will respond, you can avoid reacting in ways that just add fuel to the fire.

Here are some ideas to help you begin holding your teen more accountable for any disrespectful behavior, and regain the credibility parents need in order to compel the respect desired.

1. Begin by talking with your teen about the changes you want to make. Tell him you’ve let a lot of his behavior go because you thought it was just normal teenage stuff or were too tired or overwhelmed with other stuff to deal with it. Let him know that you believe it would be a disservice to both of you to let it go on.
2. Point out the things he says or does that you are labeling disrespectful. For example, you might say, Cursing at me, Walking away from me when I’m in the middle of talking to you, Telling your younger sister to ignore what I’m saying because I don’t know what I’m talking about… . Keep the tone conversational so your teen isn’t searching for a way to escape. You're not trying to make a point - you’re trying to make a plan.
3. Explain that you would have liked for him to have stopped behaving disrespectfully simply because it offends you and you’ve asked him to stop, but you realized that your wishes don't matter enough right now. Therefore, you’ll use other things to reinforce this, things that do matter to him such as his phone, Netflix time, car privileges, etc.
4. Tell him that if he chooses to act disrespectfully, you’ll respond with the consequences you mentioned. So, your son saying, “When are you going to get a real job so that we can come home from school and enjoy the rest of the afternoon in peace?” may mean he loses his phone for an hour. An in-your-face expletive means he loses it for the rest of the day. Keep it to one day, ideally, so that the next day starts fresh. No lectures, no negotiations, no explanations—just, “Well, that was an unfortunate choice.” Then you have to follow through each and every time. This will be grossly inconvenient, I know. But it’s the best way to let your teenager know that you’re serious.
5. If your teen makes life difficult for you after you impose a consequence — maybe he follows you around the house verbally harassing you or refuses to hand over his phone — be prepared with a "back up" consequence, something like this: “Look, if you continue to hound me for the one hour I have your phone, I'll keep it for the rest of the evening. It’s your choice. You can let it rest for now, or lose it until tomorrow.” You have to be able to say no to your teen without paying a big price for the rest of the evening.

Most teenagers act disrespectfully toward their parents not because they’re teenagers, but because they’re angry or resentful or don’t feel heard. In order to really make a difference in how your family communicates, you, as a parent, will need to demonstrate a willingness to reflect on the ways in which you yourself might inadvertently be provoking some of their poor behavior.

Granted, it’s hard for parents to change how they relate to their disrespectful teen before seeing a change in their teenager's behavior toward them. But somebody’s got to go first, and most kids will recognize their parents’ effort in taking the lead as the generous and ambitious gesture it is. Be assured that this call to action will be more persuasive than any reprimand about behavior or being respectful will ever be.

To learn more about Janet Edgette and her work visit, http://www.janetedgette.com