Dating and the Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction says that we create our own reality—both positive and negative—by the thoughts and actions we put out into the universe. Thoughts and emotions are a form of energy, and the energy we project into the world is the same energy we will attract back to us.

This applies whether you are focusing on what you want in your life or what you don’t want. Whatever you direct your attention to is what will come back to you. That’s why it’s so important to be very clear in your own mind about what you desire and want to manifest in your life.

The proponents of the Law of Attraction say universal vibrations power the attraction: All forms of matter and energy (including mental energy) vibrate, and energy is drawn to other energy that is vibrating on the same wavelength. But you don't have to believe in a vibrating universe to understand how the Law of Attraction can still work for you. Psychologists know that people with a positive outlook have happier, healthier, more socially engaged lives, while people who are trapped in negative ways of thinking tend to be unhappy and isolated.

So if you keep telling yourself that you are empty and unloved and desperate, you will be. If you think of yourself as contented and confident, that is what you will attract back. We create our reality by the statements we make about ourselves.

This also influences the kind of people you attract. When you are in a grasping state, desperate to have someone to fill up your life, you attract others with similar unhealthy behaviors. As you create wholeness within, you become more available for someone who is also whole and healthy to show up. In other words, making things right within yourself will lead you to Mr. or Ms. Right.

You create the reality you live in. Feel the power of that statement!

The other side of that, though, is that you control only your own reality. When you try to control all the outcomes in your relationships, you’ll find yourself frustrated and mostly out of control. When you finally realize you are in control only of the intimacy you have within yourself, you will get what you need.

This is the time to review what messages you received growing up about relationships. What did your parents tell you about love? Did they follow their desires? Did they do what they should do, or what their hearts told them to do? Were they stifled as a couple, or did they grow in their relationship? Are you attracting partners who mirror your parents’ relationship?

The answers to these questions should help you understand what you are bringing into your life by the energy you put out. Do you block love by the messages you tell yourself? Do you say out loud that you want to find love but internally tell yourself it will never happen for you? What you truly believe is what you will end up with. Mixed messages will never get you what you want.

If what you believe and how you act in the world do not match, the lack of congruency will sabotage your results. For example, if in your core you truly do not believe you deserve a healthy relationship, but continue to go on dates hoping to meet “the one,” you are putting out conflicting energy. If you believe healthy love is on its way and you project that out in the world, you have a much better chance of making it so.

If the idea of the Law of Attraction at first feels uncomfortable, if you have a hard time really believing that what you put out into the world is what you will get back, try acting as if it’s true. Just pretend. Acting “as if” is a powerful choice all by itself, and opens up all sorts of possibilities.

Start living as if you already have love in your life. When you expect things to be different, you will start attracting different energy—and different people. There is always space and time to reinvent yourself.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps singles navigate the dating process to find the love of their lives. Take her quiz to find out if you’re a love addict or sign up for a 30-minute strategy session. She is also the author of “The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession.” Sherry maintains a private practice in Westlake Village, and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit www.sherrygaba.com.